My spiritual journey and the onset of my “mental illness” are meticulously connected and intertwined. This is an interesting story and I have read in various places that an extreme kundalini awakening can and does lead to mental breakdowns, hospitalizations and mental health diagnoses.
What happened with me is that I have been meditating for a few years prior to my kundalini awakening and mental breakdown (which lead to a bipolar disorder diagnosis). I have been on multiple meditation retreats including a shamanic retreat. I have delved into multiple types of meditation techniques as well. I was also on a stract macrobiotic diet as well.
After serving (volunteering) the new year’s 2010 vipassana meditation course, I joined the January session ensuing it. On the sixth day of the vipassana silent retreat, in the meditation hall. I was doing what I was supposed to be doing which is notcing the different sensations in the body while “sweeping”. I did that until I noticed something of a large and heavy block somewhere around the base of my spine, more like one of my buttocks. As I placed my attention there, instead of paying no particular attention to any one sensation as we are instructed, to my overwhelm, the blockage “exploded” into a “volcanic eruption”.
A burst of energy gushed from the base of my spine, up all my chakras, all the way to the top of my crown. At the top of my head, the energy overflew and was spilling over all my head. This spillover was manifested as so much light that my eyes were flickering from the energy that spilled over my head and was running over my eyes. This experience, in and of itself, is one of ecstacy.
In an of itself, it would have been like having a full-body orgasm. However, something else was happening concurrently to this subtle physical experience. And that something else was what was going on in my head, my thoughts and my emotions. At the same time this was happening, I was being overwhelmed with paranoid and schizoid thoughts. There was also some very diturbing physical sensations that I felt on my penis, and coupled with the negative thoughts I was having, my situation was completely and utterly horrific.
I was living a nightmare, and all the beings in my mind were conspiring agaisnt me. My world went tumbling down and everything I cheriched was being destroyed. My Self was going through an armagaddon. It was a terrible and terrifying experience.
Leaving the meditation hall, I didn’t know who to trust. Who should I share my experience with? There was nobody. There was nobody I could trust and there was nobody that would understand. I was all by myself. All alone. Everything I read, see or hear would turn agaisnt me.
I retorted to my room and decided that I am to deal with this on my own, I’ll be a monk and will continue the practice of meditation in my room, not to leave the room at all. Not for food, not for anything. I was to dedicate my life to spirituality and meditation.
The others got worried about my wearabouts and thus came to fetch me. They were utterly surprised at my non-compliance to them especially that I had taken a vow of silenced and dismissed any attempt at communication with them. I just closed my eyes and continued to meditate whilst on my bed sitting cross-legged. The headmaster of the centre was also called to aid in getting to me to “snap out of it” to no avail. I was convined of my new way of being.
That night, they had someone sleep in my room with me. They slept on the floor while I continued to meditate until it was time for me to sleep also. He kept conversing with me as I kept my silence to try to get me to snap out of it until I finally did.
The next morning, for a break, we went to Tim Hortons. On the way there, I noticed some remnants of UFO activity in the sky that I did not mention to anyone. Back at the centre, I would have extreme mood swingings, I would cry so hard at thinigs I imagined would happen, and then laugh so hard, so happily at the positive things in life. From crying from sandness and grief to crying from extreme happiness and joy. This went on for hours even till I was in the management’s office where this emotional rollercoaster continued.
The management made me call my mom who was in Dubai and she urged me to come and visit her and the family at the earliest. The centre kicked me out soon after even though I wasn’t prepared at all to return home and wasn’t able to take care of myself. I was in turmoil. They just had me get on the bus to get back.
At home, I had a lot of shit to deal with, like leaving my apartment asap because my dad would stop paying for it because I had finished my studies at York University. My parents wanted me to go to Dubai once I was done with University and be reunited with them.
Given that I was lacking all capability to take care of myself. It was time for me to move out of my apartment because I had given my two month notice and I haven’t found a room for myself to rent. There was nowhere for me to go exept for my girlfriend’s at the time. The girlfriend that, at the time, in my mind, was a complete cheating whore who was banging all my friends behind my back.
That was part of my nightmare. That all my friends were banging my girlfriend and I was sure of it. I was seeing the signs everywhere and there wasn’t anything she was conveying that proved otherwise. I couldn’t even face her while dealing with this so I started sleeping in the car. And I couldn’t break up with here because I didn’t have any real evidence against her. It was just that I was living that experience and it was the most horrible experience fathomable for me.
My mom used to call me everyday telling me that I don’t sound right and I don’t sound good and that I should come to Dubai and live with them. She would entice me with the promise that she would buy me a convertable car to make coming to them a no-brainer. To me, a convertable is not going to bring me back the happiness that I once had; having dependable loyal friends and a beatutiful life that had all been robbed from me. I was full of anxiety, fear and misery and nothing forseeable was going to fix anything that I’m going through.
At one point, I couldn’t deal with it anymore and I gave in to my mother’s request. I bought a ticket, packed my bag, said goodbye to my girlfriend, called a cab and dipped. She cried but I knew it was fake. I wasn’t worthy of love.
In Dubai, things were not better at all. I was miserable and stayed in my room. I missed my girlfriend so much but at the same time I hated her for being a whore. Seeing her Facebook profile while she’s having fun didn’t help either. I tried not to communicate with her, but one time I gave in and did, and when I did that, I noticed that my heart was beating outside my chest. I was shirtless, so I mean literally. I couldn’t trust her, I couldn’t trust my friends, I hardly trusted my parents.
I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was in a place of doubt. I doubted myself. I was feeling misery. I couldn’t get a job at this state. I was in a difficuilt place.
My Diagnosis
My parents wanted me to get professional help which I refused. So my mom went to see a psychiatrist on her own to discuss me. I was remotely diagnosed as bipolar and was given some pills to take. I mostly refused because I’m not a big fan a pharmacuticals. Part of the reason I got my diagnosis was due to my sparring shopping sprees that I had every so often. Those are evidently a symptom of bipolar disorder. I just bought stuff that I felt I needed when I had money to do so…
My story continues….